The weather really reflects the state of the world right now. It is so cold in Minnesota that my eyes burn and snot freezes instantly upon exiting the house. Every year like clockwork I start scheming how we might move away from this godforsaken tundra. But then, every year, spring arrives (slowly) and I remember why we live here. Right now I can’t even tell you why; the memories are frozen along with the rest of me.
In other news, I have some words for all of my extroverts out there. Where ya’ll at? Can I get a little shout out in the comments? Can we commiserate for a second? Of course, the pandemic has been a shit storm for the entire world. Yet I think there is a specific type of grief for those of us who get energy from being around people. Did ya’ll see the memes and videos about how introverts were actually excited to be forced to stay home and not see people? That was months ago, but those never resonated with me.
I’m sure most of you have seen this video circulating on the internet. It could not more perfectly capture how navigating my social life has been during the pandemic. My natural bent is to be with people; this is me at my very core. It’s not always the most beneficial for me because I do need alone time. It’s just not my first inclination. For instance, on a Friday night – it doesn’t matter how exhausted I am – one of my first thoughts is to see who we can have over for dinner, who we can play a game with after the kids go to bed, who we can meet up with at park. None of this has been possible for almost a year now with the exception of a few summer months where a family or two could gather in our back yard. Oh how I relish the memory of those short weeks. On a weekly basis, I remember my deep desire to host people in our home and the wound is ripped open again. I have to re-learn repeatedly why this isn’t possible right now. I question it, I talk (or rant) about it, I realize all the hurdles it takes to do it, then realize it won’t happen, and repeat.
In the video, this poor lady is just trying to WALK down a sidewalk, a totally necessary and normal thing to do as a human, constantly slipping over and over. No one can really help her because they’re all slipping, too. Though the video is humorous, I felt seen for the first time in a while realizing how similar this was to my current situation. I have been slipping and hitting my behind for a long time now, friends. Almost a year. Lord, have mercy. I shudder to imagine the receipts on relationships and human connection due to this pandemic. Speaking of which, here is a very troubling report by the NYT regarding how moms specifically have been impacted.
In the last week, a special person passed and I wasn’t able to be with a dear friend to help bear that loss. I was not able to hold her hand, hug her neck, sit with her on the couch with a glass of wine, play with her little girl so she could have a much needed break to just lie in bed and cry. The pandemic has stolen so much.
As I was writing this post, this song came on and a specific line really hit me: “Look around, look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now. History is happening…” Obviously this song is about the American Revolution – but it landed heavily on me. In addition to my extroverted tendencies, I also sway towards negativity in my thought process. I am trying to stretch myself right now – to learn how this awful historical event of a global pandemic might draw me closer to God, to my family, to the broken hearted, even to my friends who I no longer see on any regular basis or at all.
I hope you are all okay today, friends. A question I’m thinking about is this: “how do we keep our hearts soft when the world is so hard?” Leave a comment with any feedback. Much love to you all.
Kacie B. Sharpe 