My emotions led me here, my mistakes. They filled my loneliness for a time but then only created more empty space. Life is a drug itself. I continue on making decisions, buying things, making moves, thinking each will be the key – only to find the same result. A desire to do the same thing over and over again, continuing the cycle of frustration.

How do I break this chain? My faith teaches that it has already been broken, that in me lies to secret to contentment. I wish I could truly tap into that reality. I heard a missionary say that America and the rest of the first world are in the most danger of Hell because we are so distracted. We have it so good that we can’t even see what we truly need. Maybe that is the reality in which I’m living.

I then enter into a state of guilt- that I just don’t have enough thankfulness for the amazing life that I’ve been given. How could anyone in my position complain or even think of feeling sad about my life? It’s preposterous truly. Yet here I am, writing about my mistakes & loneliness.

I can’t help but think of Job. A man who had it all and thanked God for it. Yet he didn’t truly know God until it was all stripped away. This story scares me to death.